As some of you may know, Ha_Safran is adopted. It is a complicated (and interesting) story that I am not going to get into at this point--it is, after all, his story to tell. However, with his permission, I wanted to write about a situation we are currently going through. You see, Ha_Safran's birth father is dying of cancer.
This birth father, and by extension a birth sister and various other birth relatives have requested Ha_Safran to visit one more time. While the visit may or may not be, from our perspective, one of absolution, I think it is both from the birth father and the birth family's perspective, even though Ha_Safran does not have the ability to offer this absolution, and yet I think that is what they are intending. His visit, should he chose to go, will be more about some sort of closure for him, I think, and knowing that he won't regret not going in the future.
While I can only begin to imagine the mental anguish this situation causes Ha_Safran, I am surprised by my own bitterness toward the situation. It is not that I am bitter that he was given up for adoption, as I am not. Nor am I upset at Ha_Safran for choosing to go, if he wants. But the request itself bothers me, and I can't quite figure out why.
Thoughts, anyone?
5 comments:
aargh, did not want to comment, because i hate assvice, and this could come close.
first: condolences, this is hard no matter how you look at it.
second: could it be that there is a hint of "this is your duty" a la the fear some have of some Asian societies, where, if you come back, you are treated (or, some allege this) as a raised child, and expected to support parents, even though they did not support you?
Thus, maybe you feel like they should have asked in some more discrete fashion, like just the father could have asked, not the other members, so as not to seem like you "owe" something.
I am NOT commenting on the ethics, or thinking these things myself! just answering your musings about why possibly this stings a little.
wishing you strength
devo
Thanks devo.
I'm not sure. Certainly an interesting idea. I don't think there are strings attached in a financial way (or even the possibility of them) but perhaps it is the emotional strings that a visit of this nature will entail that is so troublesome to me? Hmmm...
its a difficult situation however you look at it....i have no advice but lots of love and hugs for both of you.
agreed, i wrote infelicitously: I meant, just like some people have THAT issue (money, etc., ) here too, there may be a sense of that just for emotional stuff -- like the siblings are saying "don't you WANT to come?, ( = dont you think you owe it to him?)". They are feeling tense, and worried for their dad, and perhaps that is coming through a little too clearly for your tastes?
hope i did not offend!
devo
oy. It is such a loss that they want to meet HS for the sake of the role that he might play, rather than for himself. It's exactly the opposite of what I'd hope would happen.
Worse, doomed to fail. Can't see how there's absolution to be offered, and yet? I don't know if that means that there's no benefit to be had.
I'm so sorry for the situation, and wish you both the best.
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